RANT: Why I Hate Tofu and So Should You.
Tofu is a sensitive subject in my house. I hate everything about tofu and what it stands for. My wife asked me if I wanted some of her Tofurky and I gave her a dirty look.
Tofurky. Really? Tofurky!?? And it’s shaped like a hot dog. It probably bothers me more that it’s shaped like a hot dog when it’s nothing even close to resembling a hot dog. It should be called a fraud dog because that’s what it is.
Think about this for a second. It’s TOFU & Turkey shaped like a hot dog. WTF? You could have imitated the absolutely delicious All Beef Franks Hot Dog, but instead you imitated the healthy version of a hot dog and made it out of Tofu.
Tofu is a fraud.
Tofu acts like a sponge and will absorb the flavor of the ingredients in your recipe. It really has no flavor at all, which makes it a great meat or egg substitute (without all the fat, calories and cholesterol!). You can use tofu in a stir-fry, as a ricotta cheese filling, in a smoothie, or create a healthy dessert.
So, really tofu is everything to everyone. Well actually it’s nothing to everyone. Man, I don’t know – All I know is I don’t like it.
Look at this website. It lists all the things that you can do with tofu. SPOILER ALERT: There is nothing tofu can’t do or can’t be made to look like. Want tofu to look & taste like your girlfriend?? All you need to do is get a 3D Printer, fill it with tofu and spice it appropriately (depending on what flavor your girlfriend is).
BAM, you just got a TOFUGURL.
Want tofu to look like Brad Pitt but sing like Kanye West without the attitude? NOT A PROBLEM MAN. NOT A PROBLEM AT ALL.
BAM, you just made a TOFUBREAST. That’s Brad & Kanye East (His unborn son’s name most likely)
Listen, I get it.
It’s healthy. You can make many things with it. It’s fairly cheap and if you spice it right, it can be extremely delicious. I get why many people love tofu, especially health conscious folks.
But, I for one am not jumping on this tofu trend.
Even The Far Side comic agrees with me:
It’s the same reason I don’t like going to mixed Asian restaurants where it’s a Chinese + Japanese restaurant. I don’t want Beef Fried Rice OR Sushi on the menu. Either you’re Chinese or you’re Japanese. You can’t be both. What happens is these types of places are mediocre at best. All the spices are mixed up and you got Japanese people cooking Chinese food, or probably a European cooking both. It’s just, meh.
It’s like when I asked someone who ordered Alligator at a restaurant what it tasted like. He said “It tastes like Chicken. It’s great, want some?”.
Listen man, If I wanted something that tastes like Chicken take a guess what I’m going to order? I’m going to order the best damn chicken on the menu. I don’t care if an Alligator is exciting to eat. I want Alligator to taste like an Alligator, not a fucking Chicken!
Tofu is like how the Chinese copy everything that everyone else does and makes it 10 times better & cheaper.
I bring up a good point now that I think about it. Tofu is a communist food that is ruining the very nature of the freedom that we have in America. Tofu is taking over in too big of a way..
It’s kind of ironic that tofu’s roots started in China. Of course the Chinese would make something that can be turned into anything else really easily.
Finally, I want to leave you with one last quote:
If it looks like a duck, quack likes a duck, it’s probably a Tofuck.
While I’m at it, go tofuck yourself.